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Parenting

Discipling The Sandwich Generation 

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Before the start of a new school year, our family decided to take a vacation. This was our first major family vacation since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic and served as a celebration of the milestones for three of our children. Our youngest daughter was beginning her senior year of college, our middle son was beginning his freshman year in college, and our youngest son (our last child at home) was beginning his sophomore year in high school.

In preparation for our trip, we made sure the following were checked off our list:

  • Prepare our teams at work
  • Reserve a boarder for our dog
  • Schedule lawn services 
  • Arrange mail pick up
  • Ensure care for my mom

You see, I am a part of an intergenerational, blended family that strives diligently to love God and each other well. And while we do not require childcare arrangements any longer, we are in that season of life where we need parent care. We need to make sure we have a system in place for daily check-ins and on-the-ground support for my mother. In short, I’m part of the sandwich generation.

We are a part of The Sandwich Generation. 

SeniorLiving.com defines The Sandwich Generation as “individuals “sandwiched” between aging parents and adult children. They are often put in the position to care for both their children and parents simultaneously, many times providing both emotional and financial support.”

But how often do we, the church, speak specifically to this unique life stage? So many churches create strategies to disciple children and youth, connect with parents of those under 18, engage twenty-somethings (as best we can), and care for the elderly. But what about those who are in between the far ends of the age spectrum? How are we intentionally connecting with people who are feeling “the caregiving crunch”? (As reported in January 2020 by AARP.) 

We would be wise to not forget those that are juggling the challenges and joys of living in the middle, within The Sandwich Generation. And we see this modeled by Jesus in the gospel of John 19:26-28. Here we find the story of Jesus on the cross as he speaks to his mother, Mary, and his disciple, John. In this passage, Jesus places the care of his mother in the hands of his beloved disciple.

After reading this passage, I began to wonder about the characteristics Jesus demonstrated through this act, even in the midst of his own suffering.  

First, the scripture acknowledges that Jesus ‘saw’ his mother and his beloved disciple, John. The inclusion of the word ‘saw’ leads me to believe Jesus was intentional in noticing those around him. He recognized his mother and knew her needs. Jesus also recognized the disciple whom he loved, whose character he knew and whose resources he understood could support his mother. Jesus knew his mother would be taken care of when he was unable to physically provide the care she needed. 

Secondly, the scripture acknowledges that Jesus communicated directly with his mother and with John. He acknowledged them individually and assigned them their new roles of mother and son. This change in role was critical given the pending transition that was happening in Jesus’ life. He needed to ensure there was a plan in place. 

Lastly, the scripture acknowledges that after Jesus assigns the new roles to John and Mary, John proceeds to operate in his new role. John takes Mary into his home to care for her. He receives the new assignment and honors Jesus by executing his new role.

There is a lot the “Sandwich Generation” can learn from Jesus’ actions. If you’re someone who pastors individuals who are a part of this segment of society, there are specific actions you can take.

Steps for encouraging and supporting those in the Sandwich Generation:

1. Notice and Assess 

  • Do you fully understand the needs that exist for you, your children, and your parents? 
  • Have you considered and assessed all the resources you have access to, both in persons and in programs? 

2. Consider Roles 

  • What role are you playing in the lives of the people you are responsible for caring for? 
  • Are there things you are doing that may be better delegated to someone else? 
  • Are there roles only you can hold that you find yourself neglecting or underprioritizing?

3. Identify the Goal

  • Do  you have a clear view of what a healthy approach to care – for yourself and others – really looks like? 
  • Do you know what needs to be accomplished to attain that goal so all involved clearly understand how care can happen?

As we move forward in caring for those that God has placed in our care, let us not forget to consider those who are caring for others and who need care themselves. There are many that live within the “Sandwich Generation” that feel overlooked or forgotten. We can change that. We can disciple, encourage, support, and care for this unique group, just as we do all the others. 

Three Keys to a Fantastic “Family Ministry Fall”

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Fall is always an exciting time in church world. People are coming off summer vacations, rest, and a different pace of life. They are typically ready to re-engage with church on some level. Kids move up into their new Sunday school class or small group. Then, youth group cranks back up with some kind of a Fall Kickoff that often involves some amazing creativity and energy. Finally, families are building a new rhythm, getting settled into new schedules. They’re deciding what they will make a priority in the new season. Will it be family ministry?

As church leaders, we often put lots of energy into planning a great fall launch for the ministries we lead. We want to create excitement and energy as people walk back into the doors of the church. And that can be great! But do we strategically embrace this season as a real opportunity to not only reel in kids and teens, but intentionally engage parents, too?  We have the opportunity to equip and encourage the whole family along their journey of life and faith. 

In addition to relaunching our children’s and youth ministries, what if we spent some time, thought, and energy into doing more? Let’s do things helpful not just to the kids and teens, but to the parents as well. What if we considered our fall through the lens of the whole family? 

As you think though how you can kick off your fall for families, consider focusing on these three keys:

1. Take time to talk to parents. 

We all know that to do effective ministry with kids and teens, it’s important to build relationships. We even call it “relational ministry.” The same is true with parents. If we are going to step into the world of helping families, we must be in relationship with them. We have to know their stories, their celebrations, their pains, and their struggles. 

Early in the fall, add these two strategic things. Firstly, schedule individual times with parents (coffee, lunch, or phone conversations). Secondly, add more formal focus groups to listen to parents. You might be surprised at how much information and relational mileage you’ll get by simply gathering a group of parents and saying, “As the church, we want to partner with you as you raise your kids in the faith. What could that look like?”

2. Offer practical help for felt needs to families in your ministry. 

As you spend time with parents, you’ll learn about their pain points. So, are they struggling with navigating screen time and social media? Has their teen started to vape and they have no idea how to handle it? Is their child struggling with friendships and becoming more isolated? Are their children walking away from faith and moving away from the church? Are their kids and teens asking tough questions about their identity? 

When you hear about these issues, strategically offer spaces for parents that provide:

  • Opportunities to talk with other parents.
  • Education on topics and applicable ideas for what to do in their home.
  • Encouragement to hang in there.

These don’t have to be elaborate events with food, décor, and a complicated program. For example, a simple seminar with a trusted leader will go a long way towards helping parents feel like their church is “with them” in their struggle. 

3. Create moments at church for the family ministry. 

As individual programs crank back up and we step back into the tendency to silo kids, teens, and adults, look for opportunities to bring the whole family together. Again, don’t feel the pressure to have to plan big events.

Instead, look for ways to bring everyone together in the normal rhythm of your church:

  • Could Sunday school classes gather for 15 minutes of coffee, juice, and donuts all together instead of in their individual rooms? 
  • Could you invite parents to the first half of youth group, let them see some of the “controlled chaos” and then offer snacks and prayer for them? 
  • Could one Sunday service be for the whole family, suspending all classes for that day?

Brainstorm ways that bring together all life stages, fit your context, and intentionally support moments when the family can be all together. 

One of the things I have started to say recently is this: Family ministry matters!

It matters because our families matter, no matter what they look like. It matters because kids and teens are formed and shaped most in the context of family. It matters because we are all a part of God’s family, the church, and we all have both the opportunity and the responsibility to care for the family.

As you prepare to step into the fall and a new season of ministry, think about how you can not only minister to kids and teens, but really minister to the whole family.

Interested in reading more about family ministry? Then check out Family Ministry Matters!

How to Deal With Angry Parents

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Perhaps there is nothing more inevitable in youth ministry. It will happen. No matter what you do, how hard you try, or how good of a job you do, it will happen. It’s an eventuality and inevitability: parents will get angry and you will have to deal with it. Even though it’s something we all face, it’s also one of the more difficult parts of the job. Handle it the wrong way and you won’t be handling it much more. Furthermore, if you don’t handle it well it can steal your influence and steal your ministry. Learning how to deal with angry parents is a must for youth workers who want to lead next level!

Unfortunately, I’ve had to deal with more than my share of angry parents over the years. The good news is that out of these experiences I have learned 5 steps to take to defuse the situation. Just last week we held an all night event off campus. As you probably guessed, that meant dealing with some angry parents!

The good news was I had a process to handle it. It’s a tried and true process that has proven me well over 12 years of ministry, and I want to share it with you. So here are five steps to take when dealing with angry parents.

1) Recognize

The first step in dealing with angry parents is to recognize what went wrong. It’s important to verbally recognize what went wrong to the parent.  The truth is they already know what went wrong. They may not know the why, but they know the problem.

In the case I mentioned above, it was clear part of our group arrived late. At this point, it didn’t matter why we were late, it just mattered that we were. The most constructive thing I could do was recognize what went wrong and own it. This step alone makes a huge difference in dealing with angry and frustrated parents. Once they know you recognize mistakes were made and that you see what they see, it usually calms them down.

“When dealing with angry parents, it’s important to see what they see.”

2) Apologize

The next step is to apologize. What do you mean? What if it wasn’t my fault? What if there was nothing I could have done differently? I hear this from youth workers all too often. No one likes to admit when they’re wrong, and it’s hard to apologize when you feel like you haven’t messed up. That’s not the point though.

The point is we can ALWAYS apologize for something. A good rule of thumb for me is to apologize for whatever I can. My pride doesn’t like it, but it makes a huge difference in dealing with upset parents. I apologized for getting students home late. I apologized for not communicating better, even though I don’t know that I could have made it any better. I wished I could have, so I apologized for what I could.

Don’t let you pride get in the way of salvaging the situation. Apologize for what you can and move on. It may not feel great, but it will help a great deal.

“When dealing with angry parents, apologize for what you can.”

3) Empathize

The third step in dealing with angry parents is to empathize. Try to feel what they’re feeling. Instead of bowing up and taking the emotional arrows personally, feel what they’re feeling.

I’m convinced that no other step in this process makes as great of an impact. It’s the most important step you can take. It’s also the most unnatural for me. I’m not a real emotional or empathetic guy. I generally feel for people more than feeling with them, and I hate to be wrong. The competitive and prideful spirit in me fights this step, but I lean into God’s Spirit as hard as I can here. Why? Because this step is vital to successfully dealing with angry parents.

Feel what they feel and apologize again if necessary. Let them know you understand the situation is frustrating, inconvenient, or difficult. Put yourself in their shoes and let them know you feel with them. Show them your heart for them as a parent. Nothing makes a bigger difference in these situations.

“When dealing with angry parents, try to feel what they feel.”

4) Reorganize

Now it’s time to reorganize the conversation. Call back what you’ve heard them say, what you recognize happened to cause it, and how it made them feel. Then, tell them what steps you’ll take for a better outcome next time. Reorganizing the conversation lets the parent know you’ve heard them, understand them, and you want to do something about it.

It’s difficult for most people to stay mad when they feel like these things have happened. Often, I find angry parents just want vent, and this let’s them know you’ve heard and care.

“When dealing with angry parents, let them know they’ve been heard.”

5) Energize

At this point, thank them for their patience, understanding, honesty, support, etc. Thank them for whatever you can, even if it’s more what you hope to receive. Then, let them know you hope they have a great day, and pray for them if you can. It may sound silly, but this has a way or reframing the whole conversation and ending it on a bright and hopeful note.

The previous steps diffuse the situation, but this step helps turn it. They came to you upset, you want them to leave hopeful. In essence, it’s all about letting them know you care. And nothing turns a conversation like knowing the person on the other side cares.

While the other steps diffuse problems, this step wins fans. Some of the best parent supporters I’ve had came after critical conversations like this. This step will help take your ministry to parents to the next level!

“When dealing with angry parents, thank them and let them know you care.”

One final note, always remember to stay gentle and even. A gentle answer turns away wrath. You can’t be a leader if you can’t keep your cool. I hope this process helps turn your next conversation with an angry parent into an incredible win!

Back to School: Let’s Talk About It

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Much of what we do in children’s ministry involves equipping parents with tools for their most important job: parenting. Communication is a key aspect of parenting, so it’s important that we provide opportunities for parents to learn to communicate more effectively with their children. What a better time to do this than the beginning of the school year?

It’s the season of school supplies and schedules. Social media is filled with first day photos, and stores are a sea of golden yellow and character-themed backpacks. It’s time for Back to School. While this season can be exciting for children (and especially their parents), parents can quickly get back into the day-to-day rut of asking How was school today? and receiving the dreaded answer: Fine.

Start the Conversation

It leaves parents wondering about what their children do all day and why they have so little to say about it. So how do we, as children’s ministers and parents, help our children talk about school? Let me suggest some guided questions, to encourage our children to spill the beans about what they do for nearly 40 hours per week. Instead of asking How was your day?, try asking questions like these:

  • What was your favorite thing about school today?
  • Who did you sit with at lunch?
  • What friends/classmates were you excited to see?
  • What was trending at school today?
  • Tell me something funny that happened at school.
  • What did you play at recess (or at PE/Physical Education)?
  • Did you act like Jesus today? How?
  • What is your favorite word on the spelling list?
  • Which is your best subject? How do you know that you’re good at it?

Ask Probing Questions

Let’s say that that the child has had a rough day. It’s important that we allow our child the chance to be vulnerable and that we provide a safe place for her to talk about how she feels, even when emotions are less than happy. Here are some ways to get her talking about it in order to work through the tough emotions:

  • When did you start to feel sad?
  • Did someone say something that hurt your feelings today?
  • Who are the popular kids in your class? Do you feel a part of that group? What do you have in common? What makes you different?
  • Tell me the worst part of your day.
  • Which is your hardest subject in school? Do you think you’re good at it?
  • How did you feel when ________? (Insert the less-than-happy thing that the child mentioned.)

Validate Feelings

It’s important to validate our children’s feelings. We want to let them know that we care, and that their problems are real problems, no matter how small they may seem to grown-ups. To validate a child’s feelings, say things like:

  • I’m so sorry that you felt that way.
  • That must have really hurt.
  • Wow, that would make me sad, too.
  • What a mean thing to say! (if your child mentions something mean that was said to him/her)
  • That’s a normal feeling, baby. It’s okay to feel sad.
  • When you feel down, remember that your family (and God) loves you dearly. Picture us giving you a big hug. You are never alone.

Problem-Solve

Now let’s move to problem-solving. After we validate, there may be some guided questions that can help our children come up with solutions to their own problems. First offer your help and then ask if she would like you to brainstorm ideas with her. While we can’t control what happens in our child’s school day, we can help her consider solutions to make the next day a better one. Here are some suggestions:

  • What might be a good way to ask for help when you get stumped on a problem?
  • Are there lonely children that you might be able to help? How can you offer your help?
  • What might be a good response to someone who says something mean? (That hurt my feelings. I don’t like when you say that to me. Those are mean words.)
  • What can you do tomorrow to have a better day?

With some practice, we can help parents learn effective ways to talk about their child’s school day. When this happens, we help families develop strong communication skills, which will build a foundation for talks about so many things. Who knows? Our children may even begin to talk about their school day, as well as their concerns, hurts, and fears, without even hearing the question: How was your day?

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